My week with Pandiji

It has begun.. My new teacher has invited me on what I know is a new pathway of study. Only going deeper into what I know as my true Self..my heart. I have longed for a long time to be reminded that the intellect can only go so far. The only way to experience the incredible gift of one 's illuminated soul is through the space of the heart. And I found a joyous soul to remind me.

Having completed my six year commitment to be a certified yoga therapist, I returned to my teaching with vast wealth of information. It has taken a full year to process, digest, assimilate and be able to finally feel ready to just live it. It was a much bigger undertaking of effort and commitment than I ever could have imagine and it left me exhausted and depleted when the huge scandal unfolded while I was in India. As many might know, my teacher, T.K. Deskichar's son, Kausthaub, left the KYM because of horrible emotional and sexual abuse allegations. I was in India witnessing most of the upheaval and so I can speak from direct perspective. I had known for years that he was moving further away from an authentic light and I would not collude in his devious need for control. Because of that, I was often punished by being ignored, and shamed with rudeness. I left India, having honored my agreement yet empty and sad that the beauty of my Faith and my huge effort was never appreciated. I am forever grateful for the vast knowledge of this linage and proud of my accomplished work. But my heart had experienced deep betrayal and was grieving.

In March, my dear friend and teacher, Rod Stryker shared with me that I should meet Pandit, the Dir. of the Himalayan Institute and that he would request a meeting for me. Flash forward to June..and for the first time in six years, Pandit was coming to Naperville to visit all of the students that he has touched. How sweet to think I arrived in Naperville in 1995 and it was my first home in the Mid West!! Now, I would finally meet this lovely man in my own neighborhood! What a gift to share a five hour India meal with all his devoted students and to be suddenly included in this loving group. After sitting privately with him, and sharing my deep grief of the past few years, he invited me to partake in this auspicious week of teachings in the deeper wisdom of Tantric study.
So now, I sit trying to put together this sequence of events and digest the awe of my state of being. I am so blessed..and appreciate of all the events that have led to this moment of being here NOW.
I asked to get back to the joy, the wonder, the sweetness of the heart. I have all the information but I want to sing the heart's music of what I know is just love. I want to re-connect to the laughter, the desire of excitement, passion..all the juice that I dance to and share with my huge force of enthusiasm. I know this is my gift and I need to re-nourish the spark that lights up my true illuminated Self.

Always the gift is in sharing these brilliant tools with my students. I get excited knowing that through the heart we heal more, love more, and have more joy in our daily lives. The gateway is found through the direction of the breath..nourishing the organic shakti that rides on the breath and directing the sensation of this current into the vast space of the mind. thus freeing it from angst, tension, doubt, worry and profound grief. To just ride the flow of peace and to be in the presence of one's divine light. I have touched, tasted and now remember that this is my yoga!! The memory has been restored and how delicious that it is all so simple!! Just relax into the letting go...the only way is just fall into the practice and embrace the beauty that language cannot describe!! Love.
Turning our senses to beauty and the glorious nature of creation, provides a nourishing environment for our "dream seeds" to thrive. Just for today, open your gaze and let yourself be amazed. At the infinite ways love is expressed in the world. Know this is a simple reflection of the beauty you are and always will BE.

I will share on my next blog the incredible one on one meeting I had with Pandiji and the gift he gave me.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Himalayan institute

Pausing for reflection..before the doorway..

Life moves forward..life is movement and just like the walkway at the airport..one better be prepared to move quickly or be pushed aside by impatient travelers. Once on the walkway one can stand to the side and allow the movement to take you on the forward ride..one could struggle to turn around and go backward..but to accept the ride is to let go of resistance. Today, I want to move slowly and linger in the taste of memory as life moves forward. My mom got off the walkway of life and time has a habit of moving but my heart wants to pause and hit rewind on the remote..Today, I am returning to my parents house, a home they built together in their 61 years of marriage. A life filled with a of collection of great stuff., My mother was never a hoarder, she was however the proud record keeper of my life. My history,my story is in that home which tomorrow I will start dismantling and packing up the memories as we move my dad out. Mom saved everything. In all her dresser drawers, she saved the moments of my life. Since I spent so many years as the gypsy moth fluttering from place to place, brilliant in letting go and traveling light. But my sweet mother held together the stable roots of my existence by being the home base of my soul. I could land into her warm and comforting arms and she would also say, "Laura Jane, ( in that rich southern drawl), you can always come home to rest". And that is what I did. Every time, I needed to withdraw from the hectic "Vata" pace of my "doing" mind, I would fall into the comfort of my parents haven in the woods of Conn. There I was only "daughter", I could dance into the rhythm of my heart and listen to the comfort of just being. I am grieving today; life moves forward and must move on. Dad is going into his new home, an assisted living facility, and the moving company will arrive and take the needed furniture..but what to do with all the sweet cards, momentous pictures, books with underlined pencil marks highlighting what my mother felt important..and what to do with my soul that is loosing the only childhood roots that keep me tied to the East Coast? Sweet rich memories that I am forever grateful to have lived!
I wrote that post last Dec. and never mailed it..this past June, we sold the house. Today, some of those lasting treasures are in my own home ..my daughter might want them one day, but I doubt it, since value changes with attachment..for me, they are a daily reminder of my gentle mom saying to me.."slow down, Laura Jane, life is moving too fast..enjoy the beauty." Things are just things..but we give meaning to them..I am forever blessed to hold only the appreciation..the gripping does not serve..and the gift of letting go is to welcome my new beginning!! A new doorway is being presented and I am entering NOW. I will be sharing in future posts this week.
Blessings and be gentle with your hearts for life is always moving us forward. And letting go is tough work for the mind! We must relax more, release the grip and just keep the hearts open!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Airport..on the walkway of life

Sitting in darkness, igniting the inner flame

Life always presents such amazing opportunity to witness the humble grace of mother nature. Last year, to the day, I sat in Conn. in vigil as I watched my sweet mother fight for her breath. We lost all power, yes, no lights,water,heat,electric grid gone with the freak storm storm that blew through the entire state. For eight days, I kept a fire burning for warmth,carried buckets of water from an outdoor pool to flush toilets and wash, rallied my mom's spirit with pioneer stories and kept my mind focused on my blessing to be there. I was with her during these last days of life. Today, I am approaching the anniversary of her death,Nov.15th. and Conn.is again in darkness. The entire coast of the Long Island Sound is experiencing the sense of loss,confusion,fear,grief and profound surrender of normalcy..all the emotions that I know so well. My heart is reliving every moment.
I know this storm has shook the world and yet, my thoughts do not have to go into the darkness. I know that I am able to choose my thought today which can bring me out of the confusion of all those emotions. I can choose to use my breath to calm my mind and actually bring my thoughts to a still place. I can choose to feel peaceful is the moment. Gather some clarity and know the hearts can pull together. I remember how the neighbors came by with food, friends found a generator so my mother could have heat..I remember the love of this community that helped lift my spirit back and give me strength to care for my mom. Today, this same spirit resides in all of us. We are all effected by the enormous loss of people's lives and the tragedy of loosing all we hold dear to our hearts. The human spirit is huge. I want to join in offering a way to help ease the pain of so many souls lost in their immense need to get back to some balance. Balance is a word that our world is struggling with today. Where is the balance in our lives that are witnessing a County so divided and split in ideology and belief.? There must be a way to restore an inner balance so we can see clearer and feel the blessing that life is presenting even the the mist of despair. I know that last year, as hard as it was to sit in the sadness of witnessing death approaching, to be holding vigil to her every breath..I was more alive, more focused, more of purpose to maintain a steady mind for the love that was constantine sustaining me. That goodness for the tools of yoga!! Today, this same passion, this inner light is on more than ever..and so let us come together and share and serve as a yoga community. YAF will be hosting community classes every Sun. Starting this Nov. 11th, Veterans Day, 3:00-4:00! Come, and donate what you can..but come and bring your spirit, your desire, your love and let us keep the lights on in our hearts.. We can help just with our pure intention. I will be working with families and friends on the East Coast to find the right places to donate the funds..we just have to start!
Life is a song..sing it
Life is a game..play it
Life is a challenge..meet it
Life is a dream..realize it
Life is a sacrifice..offer it
Life is LOVE..enjoy it!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Downers grove

Ahh, coming home..

Well, I am finally at the end of this trip..and at the end of a long process in learning. Today, I will finally hand in all my observations,have my supervisor sign them, the director approve them..and say my goodbyes to these amazing teachers that have so graciously let me apart of each of their private sessions. I will have a hard time knowing that it will be a long time coming back..thank you family and community for holding me as I went on this journey. Also a huge gratitude of love for Janet Bowen, who finished last month and who together we made this commitment..I doubt I could have stayed the course without the joint sharing and witnessing of this deep work. When I decided to follow this path, Kaustaub said we needed a "buddy" ..how right he was..in fact it takes a village!!!
I had a rough last week, so much overload of brain information and constant focusing of my energy. I live in a boarding house that is next door to the fancy fruit market(previous blog). All night long, I am awaken by the crashing of fruit crates against my outside wall..no space between buildings..some of the workers sleep on the metal roofs below my window and the other night,I just realized they were throwing coconuts at the wall to open them!! Crashing coconuts can be quite alarming at 4:00am!!! Needless to say, my sleep is disturbed!! With that, the power has gone off for two nights in a row, and to be in this heat,without air..is #%#^#%!,, the mosquitos are fierce and without warning of any sound, they attack!! Get the picture..add some stomach problems,pollution,and missing family and as one can only imagine, I am cooked. So today, I am saying goodby with mixed emotions and looking forward to the sweet life home. I had to practice sutra 2-33, "vitarka badhane pratipaksa bhavanam". I would constantly observe from a understanding that India has its beauty and charm when I stopped needing it to what is my familiar..and witness the life through their eyes..knowing that for many they never have air-conditioning, they sleep in a metal house the size of my bathroom with perhaps three children..I would stop complaining and feel instead the compassion that we only see life from our learned memories..our habits, our senses..so I would just go into this place of acceptance and surrender into the moment and somehow feel peaceful. I will remember those gifted times to practice my yoga..it was my own personal" sweat lodge or walking on coals"!! Except, I will come home without burns.. I know it is just a switch of attitude..
My other greatest moments were being taken by to the various Temples. Ami left earlier this week, but prior to her departure,we had the opportunity to visit and be blessed at the Temple of SaiBaba


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPa














I was also graced to go back to the Temple of Sri Ramakrishna and Sri Sarada Devi, and share it with my dear friend and fellow teacher at the KYM, Gayatri. She gave me a copy of "The Bhagavad Gita" as a going away present..I felt receiving this special gift and sharing the day with her was a day that will always be held as sacred..she is the most loving being and I will miss her smile.











The stairway up..to continue moving forward and to know that as I return, the process of assimilation and digestion will take its slow pace...and I know the residue of lingering memory will remain..I will have owned the experience and I hope to teach from this place in my heart..to convey only the love of these beautiful ancient teachings that are shared universally from the heart!! To honor the great souls that have walked before and see through their eyes the possibility for freedom from the mind's suffering..ahh..but to come home is so sweet. I am ready!!

Location:Transitional

It's a dog's life

Enjoying the variety of life on the streets of Chennai..I am amazed at the variety of dogs..I have gotten use to seeing so many sad and homeless strays..but then my surprise when I saw that even here in India, dogs can have a better life than some children..life just isn't fair!! But when it comes to our pets..they are family!! And we love them ..because they love us so well. And that's what living is all about..just loving and being loved in return. They have a magical way of opening our hearts and healing those deep places that we didn't even know we're closed...


- Posted using BlogPress from my

























Yes, all over the world..some of us have easier lives..but does
that make any of us less lovable..I know my dogs have it really good!! As I do..so grateful for all the blessings life has given me and the opportunity to be a witness to it all..and my dogs have it sooooo good!


Miss you Cleo and CeCe!!

Waking up in India this morning, I am so humbled when I actually take in the wonder of this journey. How did I get here?? When I started this immense commitment, I had no idea how I was ever going to do it. Colby at the time was in kindergarten, and now she is going into 6th grade...time is marked by watching your child grow up..I have grown as well. I started this journey with a spark of desire to grow deeper as a student and to learn more. I was afraid of becoming dull in my teachings and in my love of yoga. So when this was presented to me, and I heard that there was going to a training in this lineage in yoga therapy I felt in my deepest soul place..that this was my path. I never realized that it would take me six years..and yet, when I look at my life..every wonderful effort has taken its profound course of time..and at this moment in time and space, I am just where I am supposed to be. I never started yoga with ever wanting to be a teacher; I was drawn into the path because of healing my own heart. I found a way into my life..and trusted that there was more beauty in the inner world of my soul than in the outer pain of the mind..my ego fell into and surrendered it's hungry needs to be seen..life has taken me into my true heart and I continue living in love and wanting to inspire others to follow their own path. To be able to share this journey has been wonderful..thus, the title to the blog. But the actual path is the journey inward.. The place we all want to go and yet struggle to make the time when our busy lives tell us otherwise..
By turning the attention inward, we can travel to the place of hope. In a world struggling everyday in immense confusion and the suffering of humanity being presented constantly,we forget that we have these tools to find our own way to clarity and balance. The pain of the human condition challenges one's Faith. And yet, I still have the deepest Knowing that the light is shining; we just have to go inward to see it..feel it,connect to it and then live it..yoga has given me the direction I needed and by understanding how to use these ancient tools and refining them, I now feel confident in moving forward on the path. As I return to the Midwest, I hope to be able to deepen this awaken spark and to inspire this possibility in others..that is all I can do..it is up to the student to keep the flame lit and steady..in a world that has the flame too high, we are burning up with inner heat that is causing so much anxiety with the over active guna of "ragis". Or into the quality of "tamas", where the guna expresses itself as inaction, the dulling of the flame appearing as depression. A mind where the hope is no longer visible. As a teacher, healer, mother,friend,wife..
whatever the outer role..my inner svadharma is to keep the flames steady and the minds peaceful; to inspire others to use the tools to sustain clarity,to live from the balance of a more sattvic guna. From this perceptive one can taste the sensation of of hope. This is the key to finding joy in life..hope is the key..turning it daily, brings us into our inner joy.
From the teachings of the Taittriya Upanisad, it is said that no creature can live without joy..and ever moment is an active-seeking of this greater joy. If this motive force is removed from life, the entire existence tumbles down..the movement of life is continued and kept up by the dynamism of this quest towards joy.. The problem is in the mind when all the the senses are directed outside the Self..when the mind links only in the outer attachments and desires of the senses,.then pain arises in the disappointment of the mind always wanting more... However, when JOY arises from the inner light..this is the spark that allows all action to move in a direction without the attachment to the consequences. In the teachings of the Gita, all actions must be without the desire of the fruit of those actions..I must let go of the outcome. Hence, this journey..I am on the path and living what is my Truth..and loving today what is my dharma..and committing to sharing these tools and offering hope to anyone that presents a need. Not easy in a world so distracted, so caught up in the outcome. The emptiness felt in our Global world is hungry for connection; a connection to the deeper place of fulfillment. My hope is we start seeing the true place in each of us..to be happy and free of this little mind. The world is not fair, there is so much anger, greed, fear. There is suffering and pain..and yet, there is the knowing that we are worthy of more compassion and forgiveness..everyone wants the same for their life..to feel this peace and taste joy in the heart..as my dear mentor, Joseph Campbell has inspired in me, "life is the joyful participation
in the sorrows of the world".. Please smile more, laugh deeply and love passionately..and of course dance with abandon. Be foolish for love because life is so sweet and way too short..enJOY!! Be in JOY.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Journey to The homeland of Ayurvedic healing

A wonderful weekend spent on an adventure to Konchi and staying at the healing center..Saaram. Amy and I flew with Petra,(our fellow internist from Belgium). Petra knew of this wonderful place since the owner is from France and her students had gone. She was joining her husband and three year old son who were staying there while she is working at the KYM. The Europeans are fearless in traveling with children!! I could not miss the opportunity to travel to Kerala and experience the authentic wisdom of these ancient healing tools..yes, yoga and ayurveda are over 7 thousand years old and yet the profound properties of healing the entire system of the mind and body are more relevant today than ever. How to balance life and stay healthy takes more than Western medicine can provide..the nourishing aspects of these tools for vital life are essential in today's hectic and over stimulating world..but then all yoga students know this!
So I went to Un-Plug!! And what a grand detox we had..I never left the room!! With a complete program of just being STILL..I am back and feeling so blessed to have given myself this special time to be nourished with what can only be called..God's Grace of Life..
The treatments were amazing and for this whirling energy ball it was a time to just soak in the richness of these special oils and be balanced in my doshas..this vata personality is really a deeper pita light and to feel the joy of my true nature was bliss. Yes, if the truth be known..I really love Solitude!!!
We all flew back to Chennai last night and this morning I awoke knowing that I will one day share this magical healing home with my students..I left a new family that I so want others to experience.. So setting that intention..I will just let it unfold and enjoy this moment..ahh..life is good. Please just take this moment and exhale and feel how sweet the pause can be..the mind is only outside the body..bring it inside and fill the vessel with this Light I now send to everyone..loving is the scent of the inhale, exhale is the sharing of that love.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


































A sweet reminder to just sit on the porch and swing..no matter how far we go away..home is coming to that place in my heart where I feel the Divine connection..we are all ONE.

Location:Kerala,India